It's Not About Me. It's About Getting You Help.

Hey. It's National Suicide Prevention Month.

There have been three separate seasons of my life where I seriously considered ending mine. Different reasons, different years, but the same weight each time. I felt beaten. I felt down. I felt like I could not keep going the way things were going. The first time, I also felt too ashamed to keep moving forward. I felt like my life had already ended, and I just needed to physically do it.

What saved me the last two times was Jordan. I wanted to be here to raise him, and I didn't feel it was my right to make that decision for him.

I didn't tell anyone. Not a friend, not a family member, not a therapist. I carried it alone for years, partly because I didn't think anyone would understand, and partly because of something specific to my faith. I grew up believing, and still believe, that suicide is forbidden in the Bible, and that belief turned my struggle into shame. I don't usually carry shame about my past, I see most of it as part of my growth. This was the one thing that felt different.

About a year ago, I felt God tell me I'm a poster girl for Come As You Are, and I'm in agreement with that. I couldn't keep living that out while hiding the one thing I was most afraid for people to know. So I said it, publicly, for the first time.

I'm not writing this for sympathy. I'm writing it because I don't think enough is being done for people who feel this way. And I don't know what to do either. So this is where I'm starting. So many of us have had this feeling. I know I have, on three different hard seasons of my life.

If that's you right now, please don't carry it alone the way I did. I get on camera and talk about how it's a beautiful day, and it is, but I've had some rough seasons too. I know how that feels.