NXTLVL Reflections

As I dictate this in my journal. I have been in tears for the last 10 minutes and crying on and off for at least the last 30. I can’t explain what’s happening to me. I don’t know how one day I went from so much joy and happiness to every day I’m finding that I’m having moments of anger or grief and depression where I cry and can’t stop where I’m hurting my heart in my back. I don’t really want to post anything. I’m looking for a job and I don’t want an employer to think I’m crazy or a risk because I’m not and I don’t know if this is hey is that time of the month so I’m hormonal is it para menopause is it deep down? I am stressed about a lack of income is making me question am I trusting in him, I feel like I am where are all these emotions coming from? Where is this anger coming from like a I cannot make a mistake or I am ready to cut his throat. I am in caps. I am beating my desk and I’m like am I going crazy what is happening please tell me I trust him that can’t be it and so which one is worse that I’m going crazy that I don’t have the faith that I thought I had having so many issues with running lunch bill I’m questioning is that just not the space for me or is it just a season and I’m struggling and so nothing is I don’t find that much pushback at other places is it just this moment because I should be taken care of myself as Sunday and instead of joining church service, I have my head at a computer. Is it all of the above? I wasn’t gonna say anything and then I said how can I not write about this if I’m going to be transparent? I literally just called one of my friends I haven’t been hearing from him as much as I used to and I’m like are you not my friend anymore like I don’t hear from you. I don’t even really care about hearing from people like that necessarily I just feel so needy every day I’m asking God is he there? Has he left me what is happening? This is the kind of crying where the snot is running out of your nose. I hate these type of cries cause I feel like I’m gonna end up with a headache of red face congested right now I just want to understand the why behind it. I do that. I do have some hormonal pills. I don’t have many. Should I take it? Should I save it? I just wanna know if something really wrong with me and I need mental help I just need a hormone pill. Do I need to get on my knees pray again is the enemy is the devil fuck with me and I just gotta fight him with all my faith with All. Just say Jesus Jesus Jesus over and over again, so he realize I’m here to stay. I’m here to fight that I won’t back down then I’m a thrive. I’m a survivor. I’m going through too much and come through on the other side to give up now and I would not live a life in anger and under arrest. I just don’t get what’s happening to me right now and I want to. I did not edit this sorry.

I was finishing up my faith journal entries and my first thought was: can AI just post these to my site for me? Completely normal ask. I am a single mom and solopreneur. We are all so busy automation makes sense. But something about that moment got me thinking. Because we have been asking that question a lot lately. Can AI write it? Can AI schedule it? Can AI respond to it? Can AI remember it, organize it, track it, analyze it, and report back to me with a summary? And the answer keeps being yes. I started thinking about months ago someone shared a post about AI taking over the world, trying to stir some I, Robot type of panic. I put it into ChatGPT and the response was, we are not trying to take over the world humans keep asking us to do more and more. Standing in my own moment of "can you just post it for me," I thought, yeah. We do. Every time we automate something, we say we want the time back for rest, family, presence. Work-life balance is the word we use. But a lot of the time what we actually do with that recovered time is add more. More income streams, more influence, more output. And I am not judging that because I have done it too. But is more the actual goal? Or did we tell ourselves more would eventually feel like enough? If AI takes over the world, it will not be because it outsmarted us. It will be because we handed it everything, one convenience at a time, and forgot to ask what we were saving all that time for. What are you actually doing with the hours you are getting back?

We try to fill the ache with success, approval, and control. But if your soul is still aching after you have tried everything else, it might be trying to tell you something.

I am a child of divine restoration. I walk in release, not bondage. I walk in rest, not striving. I walk in return, not loss. I walk in God’s order, not confusion. This is my Jubilee year, and I move like someone God has reset.

John 14:6 (NIV) says: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” When I read this today, it hit me like Jesus was giving His own “I AM” statement the same way God did in Exodus. It felt like Jesus was saying, “I’m Him. I’m the Source. I’m the access point. If it’s not through Me, it’s not happening.” I am the bouncer at the door controlling access.  And immediately, my brain went to my favorite coach, Mike Tomlin. He always says: “The standard is the standard.” Well, Jesus is the standard. Not a suggestion. Not an option. Not one of many paths. THE standard. The Word I Missed: Zōē - The Life Jesus Meant The narrator mentioned the Greek word for “life,” and I almost missed it. It sounded like “Zoe-way.” Turns out it’s zōē, and it means: the absolute fullness of life life that comes from God life that is both essential (source) and ethical (how to live) Jesus wasn’t just answering Thomas’ question. He was saying: “I am what you’re searching for. I am the source of life itself. I am the blueprint for how life is meant to be lived.” That “ethical” part threw me at first, but I think I get it now: Jesus is the compass. The model. The example. The standard for what right, whole, healthy living looks like. The World’s High vs. God’s Fulfillment The more I thought about it, the more it reminded me of addiction. The world gives you hits, highs that fade. You chase the feeling, but it never satisfies. You always need more. But with Jesus? It’s not a high. It’s life. Every day I wake up wanting more, not because I’m empty, but because I’m alive. I want to learn more. Read more. Journal more. Grow more. Understand more. That’s zōē life. That’s Holy Spirit hunger. Cycles, Bondage, and the Freedom Jesus Brings One line in the teaching stopped me: “Jesus can break every cycle.” Every bondage. Every addiction. Every generational pattern. Every entanglement. There is nothing He cannot crush. And honestly? I’m glad He’s the one holding that kind of power, because anybody else would abuse it. Then came the question: “What stronghold has you bound? What bondage has your heart imprisoned?” At first I didn’t get it. But now I think it means: What has your heart locked up? What negativity, bitterness, fear, or old identity is still gripping you? Because Jesus’ love is stronger than any sin, any past, any pattern. His sacrifice already paid for our freedom. We just have to let His love do what it came to do.

A raw, honest reflection on Leviticus, Jesus as the perfect sacrifice, and the overflowing grace that inspired the name of The Kharis Company. A reminder that God doesn’t ask for perfection, He provides it.

Sometimes loving people is easy. Other times, it feels like you’re pouring from a cup that never gets refilled. I’m learning, slowly, that being a loving friend doesn’t mean carrying the full weight of a one‑sided relationship. It means showing up with honesty, compassion, and boundaries. It means admitting when something drains you instead of pretending it doesn’t. I haven’t mastered the balance yet, but I’m learning how to love people without losing myself, and how to honor God without abandoning my own peace.