I Thought I Was Taking Care of Myself. I Wasn't.

I had a rough day yesterday.

Not the kind where something dramatic happens. I am extremely drama free. The kind where you wake up already behind yourself and spend the whole day trying to catch up to a version of you that left without you.

Here is what actually happened.

I had a migraine earlier in the week. To get some sleep, I reached for what I thought was trazodone. I grabbed Excedrin Migraine instead. Excedrin has caffeine in it. So instead of going to bed early and actually resting, I was awake until three in the morning. Again.

Another night of not enough sleep on top of an already depleted body.

By yesterday I was short tempered. Grieving something I could not even name at first. Angry without a clear target. I was running on empty and trying to function like the tank was full.

It was not until later in the day, when I actually stopped and reflected, that I put it together. The sleep. The hydration I had been meaning to improve but had not fully committed to. The migraine. The noise in my head that I kept calling productivity. My body was not being dramatic. It was being honest.

And here is the part I have to sit with.

I felt the nudge. More than once. Something kept saying, you need to take a nap. Reset. Stop. And I kept saying, in a minute. After this. When I finish this one thing.

The nap window closed. Bedtime came and I was not ready for it even though my body had been begging for it for hours. I did not listen to the Holy Spirit. I did not listen to my body. And I suffered for it.

What makes it worse is that I still did not get done what I was trying to push through to finish.

That is the part nobody talks about when they glorify the grind.

You think pushing through is helping you catch up. It is not. You were not even behind when you started. But by ignoring what God and your body were both telling you, you put yourself behind. Physically. Emotionally. And in your work, because none of those three things operate in isolation. When one is off, all three pay.

I aged myself unnecessarily yesterday. I stressed myself out. I got nothing done. And I woke up today starting from further back than where I was the morning before, just with more exhaustion and fewer reserves to draw from.

This prayer came to me this morning from the YouVersion guided prayer:

God, no matter what goes on around me today, help me to stay focused on you. It is when I am close to you that I find the strength I need to accomplish whatever is before me. So right now I choose to quiet my mind and refocus on your presence. In Jesus name, amen.

I needed that yesterday. I did not have it because I never got quiet enough to receive it.

The question that stayed with me after reading it was this: How do you stay focused on God regardless of what is going on around you?

Because I genuinely needed to be reminded. And if you are reading this, maybe you did too.

Staying focused on God is not a feeling. It is a choice you make before the day gets loud. It is the nap you take when the nudge tells you to. It is the water you drink before your body has to beg. It is the moment you stop and get quiet before you are so depleted that quiet feels impossible.

Grace is not just a theology. It is a practice. And yesterday I chose grind over grace and my whole self paid the price.

Come as you are. But come honest. Even when, especially when, what you are is exhausted and mad and running on caffeine you did not mean to take.

Peace, Love and Joy always, Tanya